How do you say your last name?

Let me tell you a little story. Far out in the countryside, in a region you will probably never visit, there is a tiny little village called Itch. It got its name because it's, well, itchy. Itch is not very big, and not very impressive, but I think it is the most beautiful village in the world. Of course, I'm terribly biased when it comes to this community.

Why am I so inordinately fond of the tiny village of Itch?

Because I am the Mayor of Itch.

Mayerovitch.

And there you go.

Will you write my school assignment?

I will not.

Since you're already writing something for me, could I also hire you to to make a graphic to go with it?

You really do not want me to make graphics for you. I have no talent for it. I am happy to foist you off on one of the many talented graphic designers I know, or point you in the direction of Canva, where you can put together something simple for free. But have to play to my strengths. And unfortunately, my strength in visual art is about equivalent to that of a brussels sprout.

You've lived in so many places, what sports teams do you root for?

The Cleveland Browns, the Cincinnati Reds, the Columbus Crew, the Albuquerque Isotopes, The Malawi Queens in netball, and USA Women's everything else, but especially gymnastics and rugby.

Thoughts on the Oxford comma?

You can pry it from my cold, dead, and ink-stained hands.

Do people actually ask you any of these questions?

Yes. Regularly. It surprises me too.